Late night hospital thoughts…

So I’m sitting here,its like 2:30 am and I can’t sleep. This may or may not have anything to do with the fact that the nurses come in like every ten minutes to check on Grammy, who had a total hip replacement earlier today. Or it may have something to do with the fact that I don’t handle hospitals well these days. Tough break for someone who is trying hard to get a hospital job since the are burnt out on the nursing home cna life. But that’s life.

That moment when you are spending the night with your grandmother in the hospital but you are not handling it well at all. You are not handling it well because it reminds you constantly of your own failing health. Not your physical health, your failing mental health. Being here reminds you of the help you so desperately need. Reminds you of your daily suicidal thoughts, how these thought scare you but you cant find it in yourself to be anything about it,and how no truly understands,nor do they act like they want to. That is,if you are even able to find it deep down somewhere inside yourself the incredible strength it takes to tell them, not that you don’t want to tell them though… You want so badly for someone to ask you, or to call, or even text, just to see how you are,and to truly mean it. Being here reminds you of just how tired you are, and how genius you are, of putting on a fake smile and pretending you are fine. You are definitely not fine, you are the complete opposite of fine. You should be the one in the hospital getting help.
But who has time for that.

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